I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
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By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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