i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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