Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
