we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
