i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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