Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
