Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Sorry my hands just texted you
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
