if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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