dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
