just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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