Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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