I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
