If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
