Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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