I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
