Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
