Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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