i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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