u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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