I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
