Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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