had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
