So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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