How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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