Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
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Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
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It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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