On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize