i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
