i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
