I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
