I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
