i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
