This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
