i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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