I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
