it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
