I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
