my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
