I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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