i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.