Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
