are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
