either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
