the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
