Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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