I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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