Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
