did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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