I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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