why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
