At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
