She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
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All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
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So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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