last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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