i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
