My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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