Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you didnt know i had herpes?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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