i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
